Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Psalm

I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in darkness,
The astonishing light of your own being.

One morning last week, I looked at my baby boy and silently declared that were I to have only one year to live, there is no where I would rather be than here with my family, doing just this, being my husband’s wife and raising my son, savoring every single second, not missing one drop of love and magnificence. My bucket list is very short. Talk can be cheap, but on that morning, I more than just said this, I really felt it deep in my heart, how truly and miraculously beautiful my family is. I bathed in happy and lucky and blessed.

I mostly spend too much time in longing. I think I abuse longing. I long away for ‘more’ or ‘other’ instead of enjoying ‘have’ and ‘mine.’ That morning, though, my longings had nothing on me and all that was left was a ridiculous amount of love. It was holy. I did in fact ‘seize’ that moment, if not the whole day. Not to boast of my wealth, but I know that I am living amongst intense gorgeousness and I am beholden to recognize it, whether I die in a year or in fifty. Incidentally, I later told Nicholas about this and he asked that I not mention anything of it further as I was strictly forbidden to partake in such activities as ‘having only one year to live’ or ‘dying.’

Maybe it’s Lennon having been sick last week, a never-ending lack of sleep, or general Mama hormones that have made me so maudlin lately, but I’m still gushing. My little family is so wonderful that I’m nearly jealous of myself. All I want to do is to stay as healthy as I can so I can be with them for as many years as nature will allow. Sometimes when I’m in bed and I’m watching Nicholas and Lennon sleep, I try to imprint them into my hands, onto my eyes, and commit their scent to memory so when I’m too old to remember anything else, these will remain.

Before Lennon was born, I had a dream about him as a young man in his twenties. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He was much taller than I and I leaned into him and rested my head on his chest. Lovely, sweet, magical. God, please let that dream come true.

Information on quote found here.
Photo Credit: Humboldthain Park, Berlin, Amy Cole Farrell, 2011


  1. These are the days (weeks) that I wish I could bottle up and sip from when life is full of kids puking at midnight before the big school field trip and gloomy winter days where the bickering never ends. They fill up your spirit to shore up against the tide of life, and they're so worth it. Big, expansive amounts of love to you three.

    1. Right back at you, Kim!

      Yep, it's worth it, however difficult some days are!


  2. Yes! I applaud you for recognizing and relishing each and every moment of your resplendent life..... and, for inadvertently reminding me to do the same.